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5 Easy Parenting Resolutions

Here are 5 do-able resolutions that can help you and your family make the most of the coming year.

1. Ambush Your Kids With Something Positive Every Day

I was recently speaking at an elementary school when one of the parents asked about consequences for bad behavior. I thought about it for a moment and then realized that I preferred to give and receive consequences for good behavior. Most of us are in the habit of telling our kids what they’re doing wrong, but it’s just as easy (and more effective) to bath our children in positive reinforcement rather than negative. Not only does this tell your children what pleases you, but over time, it becomes a habit and tips the scale toward more positive conversation and less criticism.

Try some of these phrases: “I like the way you are sitting quietly.” “Your teeth look really good when you brush them.” “Sometimes I just love hearing your voice.” “It makes me really happy when you are polite.”

2. Review Your Family Tree.

Having a family, no matter how complex yours might be, gives our children a foundation. One of my grandfathers emigrated from Russia, through Canada to Detroit. My other was born in Decatur, Illinois, where his family had a dry-goods store. My wife’s family came from Poland through Ellis Island. Each of them had multiple brothers and sisters and, as a result, our extended family is sometimes hard to understand – but always interesting. Nonetheless, I’ve noticed that over the years our children have repeated family lore to their friends (calling us for confirmation) and grown to take pride in their own family history.

Today, the Internet offers a variety of tools for building and tracking your family tree, but telling stories about our family and reviewing old photographs often reveals a passion that really captures the interest of our children.

3. Do Nice Things Without Expectation.

By returning someone else’s grocery cart, holding a door, or picking up a random piece of litter, we are showing our children that we have a responsibility to help take care of other people in our world – even, or especially, when no one is asking us to. I try to explain to them that doing good deeds makes me feel better about myself – just for me. By modeling these behaviors, and occasionally enlisting the help of our kids, we are giving them a chance to do nice things for other people – which is better for all of us.

4. Avoid Creating Feelings For Your Children

I was coaching AYSO for my daughter’s U6 (under six years old) team when it occurred to me that my young players didn’t really care about whether they won or lost. In U6, the emphasis is on positive coaching, good sportsmanship, and player development – it’s not on winning – and the kids seemed just fine with that until their parents started telling them how to feel. “You played well, but you don’t want to be a loser do you?” Last I looked, that little girl was indifferent about the result of the game, she was just wanted to go get an ice-cream, but according to her well-meaning mom she was now a loser.

None of us can be sure what our kids are thinking or feeling. We often think that the way we would feel is the way they’re feeling – but that’s not always the case, and it’s something for us to be aware of. Things like “You must be sad because Jonah didn’t invite you over to play.” are complete projections of how we feel as opposed to how our child is reacting. It always makes sense to be compassionate and ask our children about their feelings – but it’s better to let them define those feelings themselves than to tell them what we think they might be. In my book I call this “Leading the Witness”.

5. Verbally Express Gratitude Each Day

I was about thirteen when a homeless person approached my father and asked him for some money. My father gave him a quarter and then said to me “There but for the grace of God go I.” I never forgot that phrase or that feeling.

Early in the development of our family, I was working six, twelve-hour, days a week. After about a year, JoAnn “suggested” that I be home for dinner at least once a week and work only one Saturday per month. At that weekly dinner, we’d go around the table and individually define at least one thing for which we were grateful. Week after week this dinner offered us an opportunity to share our feelings and remind our children how lucky we are to have each other, to live in our house, to have food, school, pencils, television, friends, etc.

Expressing gratitude doesn’t require a formal occasion, it’s as easy as looking out of the car window and saying “Isn’t the world amazing?” or “Aren’t we lucky to have a car – what if people still had to ride horses everywhere?”

…and speaking of gratitude…Happy New Year Dear Readers. Thank you for giving time to my blog and for sharing it with others. May 2014 bring you all health, happiness, and simplicity. No matter how ridiculous our lives may seem, we are all truly lucky to be here.

Wedding Photo Credit – Paige Jones Photography

January 4, 2014/2 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Personal Updates

5 Things Every Husband (and Father) Should Know

As this week marks the thirty-sixth year of my marriage, I thought I’d try to offer some of the little lessons I have learned through co-habitation.

None of us is entitled to the “perfect” partner. We just don’t come out of the box in a manner that allows us to fit seamlessly into the lives of another. But we are creatures who can learn and adapt and, as such, we are capable of making choices about how we’d like to live. These lessons have simplified my life and strengthened our relationship as parents:

#1 – There is a Bigger Picture

JoAnn and I had been married a few years before I had gained enough insight to avoid blatantly ogling other women in her presence, but one night we were out to dinner at a nice restaurant when a statuesque woman entered in a very sheer top, grabbing the eye of every male in the room. No big deal. I kept my eyes fixed on my wife. Later, as we were driving home in the car I said to her, “Did you see that woman who came into the restaurant?” JoAnn looked at me with disgust and replied, “Did you see her shoes?” I had to confess. I hadn’t seen her shoes. JoAnn then explained that open-toed shoes with stockings immediately meant that, as women go, that one was asleep at the wheel.

Shoes. Gotta pay more attention to shoes.

#2 – Embrace The Differences

I’ve played baseball in one form or another since Little League, and today I am part of a softball team that has played together for forty years. Over the years, I have experienced every situation that can happen on a baseball diamond and I believe I know what to do (as an outfielder) in any circumstance. Two outs, one man on. One out, two men on, etc. etc.

Couples often fight about the way women spend money and men use their leisure time, but while I was devoting my time to baseball, JoAnn was honing her shopping skills to near perfection. I have learned to marvel at my wife’s ability to drive a hard bargain, return an item without a tag or receipt, and generally make the system work for her. I occasionally have the pleasure of watching her navigate the retail world. I just sit back and enjoy. I know that she is as concerned with our finances as I, and I respect her ability to make smart decisions. It’s all how you look at it.

#3 – Think of Your Mate as You Do Yourself

We once went out on a double date with a couple whose company I enjoyed. I thought the guy was funny, and I thought his wife was sassy. When JoAnn and I recapped the evening I said, “That Roger guy is really funny, don’t you think?” To which she replied, “He’s not very nice to his wife.” “Whaddaya mean?” I asked. “He treated her like she was stupid, and she isn’t.” She continued, “If he treats her like she’s stupid, and he’s married to her – then he must be stupid for marrying her.”

Done.

In the end, if you can find ways to appreciate and affirm your spouse’s intelligence then you’re really complimenting yourself for having convinced someone so smart to marry you!

#4 – People Don’t Change

For everything my wife does that drives me crazy, I’m sure there are multiple things I do that make her nuts. I’m a little messy and often don’t pick up my clothes. I sometimes watch football ALL DAY. Sometimes I forget to tell her something important. On the other hand, JoAnn occasionally leaves the butter out all afternoon, or leaves dirty pans on the stove where they cool and become harder to wash. Sometimes she misses a material fact in a story.

Nobody’s perfect – but we’ve realized that arguing about unchangeable elements of our personalities only leads to acrimony. Take a deep breath and carry on in the name of a peaceful home. These days I pick up my clothes because I know it will make her happy – and also because she’s not nagging me about it.

#5 – Fidelity – The Bottom Line

When JoAnn and I first got together, she put fidelity into a perspective I could barely believe. “If you want to sleep with someone else, you can.” “What??” I said. She repeated “If you want to sleep with someone else, you can.”

“Seriously?” I asked.

“Sure,” she said, “as long as it’s oaky for me to sleep with someone else too. Because if it’s okay for you, it should be okay for me, right?” Then, she added, “there are probably a lot more men who want to sleep with me than women who want to sleep with you.”

Ouch. Extortion, but effective.

I am/was a flirt by nature and JoAnn knew that when she married me. For her, it is both an endearing and exasperating quality that comes with the package. She has allowed me considerable leeway in my relationships with other women, and, all along, I have understood my responsibility with regard to those relationships.

We have both worked to remain “attractive” to the other and throughout the years in which we had children at home we always took time for ourselves. JoAnn has remained primarily “My Wife” and secondarily “The Mother of Our Children.” We have always prioritized each other – and this has given our children perspective.

JoAnn never restricted me in my guy-type activities. She knew when I was going to a bachelor party or had been to a “Gentlemen’s Club”, but she also respected that those male-bonding experiences were enjoyable for me and in no way a threat to our relationship.

Marriage or cohabitation is not easy. Reasonable people can make it work through diligent, honest communication and consideration. Among the side benefits of doing so is that fact we teach our children how to respect others and accept imperfection. Modeling a positive, communicative relationship is a slam-dunk way to raise happy, respectful children.

My friends used to ridicule us for our hyper-communicative relationship. I withstood all that because I knew in the end that we’d still be looking at each other and saying “You’re the only one” (I can stand being with for long periods of time).

Happy Anniversary my love.

December 14, 2013/6 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Book Excerpt

The Parent Questionnaire

Our own life experience is our greatest parenting resource. In my book, Raising Children That Other People Like to be Around”, I suggest that parenting is like driving a cab: if you don’t at least ACT like you know the way, your passengers (children) are going to be nervous and uncomfortable as you would be with a rookie cab driver.

But how can new parents proceed with confidence? By looking backward at the way they themselves were parented.

All of us are influenced by what Selma Frieberg, author of The Magic Years, called the “Ghosts in our Nursery” – essentially, the voices of those who raised us. Learning to recognize how our parents influenced us may be the most effective way of preparing for the job ahead. What did your parents do that you remember most positively? Were there hugs at night? Surprise trips to the ice cream store? Goofy family photos? What makes these events so memorable?

What do you remember that was negative? Was it discipline with a belt, or friendly persuasion? Was it time in isolation? Was it “no dessert”? Did your parents explain their motives, or just make you frustrated and angry with them? How can you avoid repeating those mistakes with your own children?

I put together some simple questions for you to ask your spouse, parenting partner, or co-parent, in order to better understand the emotional land mines that you might encounter. Use these questions to help you clarify the values, vision, and goals that will define the system you apply as you define your family. These questions should help you narrow down your parenting objectives and unify your message. They are of value no matter how old your children may be.

What did/do you love most about your father? Your mother?
Did you know your grandparents? What do or did you love / remember most about them?
In what ways do you think your parents are like their parents? In what ways do you think they are different?
Were your parents always honest with you? Did they always tell you the truth?
What do you think were your parent’s biggest mistakes? Successes?
At what moment were you proudest to be the child of your father / mother?
At what moment were you most embarrassed by your father / mother? Would you be just as embarrassed today? (Do you feel embarrassed just thinking about it? If so, feel the power of this memory!)
Do you remember whether or not your mother was always busy? Was your father?
Which or your behaviors did your parents punish most severely? Do you agree with their decisions?
What behaviors did they encourage? Will you encourage the same ones?
How did your parents let you know they loved you? Will you (or do you) do the same with your children?
Did you ever really disappoint your parents? How? How did that behavior affect the way they treated you? How did your behavior or self-image change as a result?
When did you most feel loved? Why?
Did your family have any rituals / holidays / quirks? What was your role in them? How did your parents handle them? Were they the leaders? Did they ever let you lead? How did you feel about that?
Who is your favorite relative? Why?
Who is your favorite parenting role model? Why?
What is your greatest fear about being a parent?

Although I originally created this as a one-time organizational tool, I have learned that part of a successful parenting system is the regular recalibration of messages and techniques. The values you define from this lesson can be the foundation you fall back on, year after year, as you build the “emotional scaffolding” inside your children.

Consider these the rules of the sport that your team will be playing. As managers, you and your partner will have to remember to watch game films at regular intervals, to review the day, to change the plan, to hold a mirror up to each other to see if you’re both still on track. If you desire, document your conclusions after reading the questionnaire and check them every once in a while to see if you’re still on course. Are you avoiding the behaviors you disliked in your parents? Are you being positive with your children? Are you communicating and reflecting your thoughts regularly with your mate?

Keeping these resolutions in mind will make the process quicker and easier than having to always start at scratch. Remember, parenting is a practice, it evolves, and lessons are taught to us every day. The more we do it, the more we reflect and share, the easier it becomes – and the more proficient WE become. Sharing and defining those lessons is one of the keys to staying on course.

We all have our own stories — and, to me, everyone’s story is interesting. Essentially, these questions ask, “What makes you who you are?” Think of your own questions and add them to the list. Then decide, from this discussion, how you’re going to communicate, how you’re going to strengthen each other’s confessed weaknesses, and protect each other from your fears (JoAnn and I came up with “key words” to let each other know that we’d fallen off course). Remember those resolutions, and use them as your litmus test when you regularly recalibrate.

Not everything our parents did was right or wrong. How we raise your children is finally and entirely up to us – but starting with our past is a good way to build a value system, recognize our strengths, and move forward with confidence.

LEFT – The Greenberg Bros. store. Decatur Ill. 1911

November 28, 2013/4 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Personal Updates

3 SIMPLE SAYINGS

My mom would have been ninety-two last week. Here are three gems she left me:

Don’t be so open minded that your brain falls out.

All of us have been in situations where our better nature overrides our common sense. I’ve loaned money to friends. I’ve counseled people to stay hopeful and remain in bad relationships. I’ve even been tempted to let my teenage son have his girlfriend sleep over – and, in each of those cases, I’ve had to remind myself that, chances are, I will end up on the wrong end of those equations. I’ll lose my money (and perhaps my friend.) I’ll be providing grief counseling to broken-hearted lovers. And I’ll continually worry about my son and his girlfriend.

With children, I have found this sentiment reads as being naïve… and sometimes it’s important that they learn certain lessons on their own. How many toys loaned to “friends” (often to curry favor) will be lost or broken before a child learns that “generosity” has limits – and that there are people in the world who see generosity as just an opportunity for taking.

When I was in college a guy asked me to lend him a hundred bucks because he was going to the track. At the end of the day, he caught up with me somewhere and handed me two-hundred. Wow. A couple of days later, he asked if he could borrow the two hundred. No problem. But I never saw him again. Yes, shame on him — and shame on me, because my hope was greater than my common sense.

Sometimes “open minded” means gullible. . We’ve raised level-headed kids, but occasionally they’ve came home with some pretty ridiculous stories. These were things that just didn’t make sense, but in the excitement of creating the fable they forgot the need for logic, and so did my JoAnn and I. We heard how Billy’s very slightly built dad was playing professional hockey. We learned how Amber’s mother flew in the Space Shuttle. We were skeptical, but these things seemed possible. I guess we just wanted to believe. This type of open-mindedness is “wishful thinking” – like allowing the fox to watch the chickens because he swore he wasn’t hungry. Sometimes it’s just the nature of the beast to do what comes naturally. That’s something we all need to remember when we think the banks will regulate themselves or that voting documentation has to be available in twelve different languages.

The grass is always greener on the other side. But you still have to mow both lawns.

As a person who was rarely happy in his job, this gem is probably the most practical piece of advice I ever got. I was always thinking how things would be better if I could just work somewhere else, or just drive that other car, or just be best friends with that really important person. Now, after many years of life experience, it turns out that everything and everyone have their own complications. No matter how attractive a change seems, it may just be exchanging one set of problems for another.

This is mostly a cautionary expression , and it’s one we have to learn for ourselves. One of our sons had what I considered a great job. He was employed full time, with health benefits, at a highly respected company. What’s more, he worked a shift from 2pm to 11pm. If his work was complete, he could leave early and still get paid for eight hours. At age 27 I would have been in Nirvana with a steady job like that. But there were problems, as there always are. It was a little far from home, the hours cut into time with his girlfriend, his co-workers lacked motivation, there was no upward trajectory, and much more. So he quit.

In this case, there was no other lawn, only the hope of a better one. Ah, the illusions of youth. The good news is, after a very scary four months of unemployment, he got a job that led to another opportunity, that led to his current job and — for now — he appears to be happy. The “lesson learned” was, “Never leave a job until you have the next one.” And he’s the first to admit it.

When it comes to relationships, I’ve met lots of people who are always looking for a better mate. But JoAnn and I have agreed over the years, nobody’s perfect, including us, and trading one person in for another can introduce a whole new set of problems.

There is no question that most situations can be improved, but it’s important to measure both “lawns” and completely understand the maintenance requirements of each. And always remember that having a lawn to mow is a blessing of its own.

The Truth Floats

Try to hold a bubble underwater and you’ll note that it finds a way to squeak between your fingers. Additionally, if you try to speed that bubble upward, it often breaks into many tiny bubbles and its essence becomes lost.

“The truth floats” has multiple interpretations. To some people it means, “What goes around comes around.” I prefer to think of it as proof that the end result is usually the right result.

We used this expression to help our children understand why bullying was the bully’s problem. There’s much evidence that kids who bully have an internal unhappiness that motivates them to pick on others and, in the long run, that will have a far more adverse effect on the bully’s own lives than it will on anyone else’s. Ultimately, the Truth will float and that kid will find him or herself with no friends. In the short run, this is just a way to help your child understand and rise above the barbs that some people will hurl at them. In the long run, this also allows children to take stock of themselves and have faith in their actions, knowing that their goodness will ultimately be what “floats” in their world.

To explain this phenomenon to my children, I said, “What you know to be true, other people also know.” We need to have faith that other people are smart enough to see the things we see. This is often confirmed when someone says “Is that person crazy, or is it just me?”

Ironically, all of these expressions seem to be methods for protecting ourselves from our own optimism. I think it’s important to remain positive, to believe in the best we have to offer each other, but I’m also experienced enough to know that we need to teach our children (and often ourselves) to be wary of those who are not quite as hopeful as we.

Ultimately, however, believing that things will work out, and that Truth will prevail, is not a bad way to go through life…

… just don’t take any wooden nickels.

November 19, 2013/4 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Personal Updates

HOLIDAY HEADS UP

It’s November now, the month of Thanksgiving (one of my two faves (4^th of July being the other)).

November is also the month when our children start rehearsing seriously for their school Holiday Programs. Singing, dancing, holding signs – whatever it is they’re doing – they’re preparing to be “on their best” for their parents and for their community.

When I was young, the Christmas Program was an all-day affair. We students got to leave our classes early so that we could go home, change into our holiday best and return in the evening for a Bake Sale (to raise money for the school) and for our performance. Our parents would drop us off in our classroom and then go find seats in the auditorium. About forty-five minutes later, the show would begin. We would entertain ourselves in the classroom by playing simple games – like Hangman (on the board), or Simon Says until someone would summon us for our moment on stage. We would file onto the risers as we had done in rehearsals the day before and face our parents and our community, who were very excited to see what our class had to offer on this pre-holiday occasion. All the parents were there. This was Big Time.

Today, the “Holiday” Program still offers the same opportunity for our children. The concept is similar, although the celebration is more diverse. After all, it was radical when Hannukah songs were introduced at my elementary school, but today schools spend a lot of time teaching our kids to embrace diversity with sensitivity and empathy. I find these new additions refreshing, and I note ironically, that we, as parents, don’t seem to be doing our part.

One big thing that has changed is that many parents today only seem to care about their child’s performance. Typically, these days, after any class finishes their part of the program, a wave of parents stands up and leaves – so that by the end of the program, the last performers (usually the older kids) are greeted by a much-emptier auditorium. This, I fear, is an unfortunate sign of our times.

People regularly ask me, “What’s wrong with kids today? Why are they discourteous, why are they so self-involved?” I believe the answer lies partially in the parental behavior described above. Why should our children care about the other kids in their school, if their parents don’t? Why, in fact, should they care about anyone else if we parents are always prioritizing them over others, sometimes even over their teachers or coaches?

This isn’t rocket science. I didn’t have to study anything beside my own childhood and the emotion I felt when my children asked me after their performances why the audience was so empty. We parents need to teach our children to be sensitive to the feelings of others and to act in a manner consistent with those feelings. This isn’t always easy. There are obligations to attend to, meals after the performance, Grandma’s in town and restless siblings, etc. But as we demonstrate your concern for the feelings of others, our children will begin to understand that they are not the center of the Universe and that they, too, need to be aware of those around them.

Although it may seem like I’m counseling other parents to be “selfless”, the truth is (from my experience) that teaching our children to behave well and respect others is very much in our own self-interest. By teaching our children to be conscious of the world around them, and by showing them how to be courteous, our lives actually become much easier. We don’t have to spend time worrying about bad behavior or insensitivity toward others. We don’t have to deal with a child that talks back, or corral our kids when we go out in public. Kids naturally accept and incorporate the positive values that we, their parents have portrayed. Ultimately, they actually realize that we are people whose feelings and opinions they should also care about, because, they are, after all, a part of a family and community.

So, there’s a lot more at stake when you decide to bail in the middle of a school performance. When I wrote “Raising Children That Other People Like to be Around”, I listed “Setting an Example” as one of my key values. By showing our children that we care about the performances of other children – even children to whom we have no direct connection – we are teaching them that we respect other people in the world. When they’re reminded that the world is bigger than they are, they gain a perspective that allows them to FEEL and experience gratitude for the things and people around them. It’s a lesson that will serve them their entire lives.

Yes, November is the month for gratitude, and I’ve written on this subject now because it’s the time to start scheduling those Holiday Programs. Enjoy the time, and enjoy all the performances.

Happy Thanksgiving.

November 5, 2013/0 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Book Excerpt

MY 5 SIMPLE “MUSTS”

I wrote “Raising Children That Other People Like to be Around” to guide parents toward a better understanding of their roles – as moms and dads, as well as parenting partners – because the core strength of a family comes from the leadership that the adults offer. To help parents discover their objectives and define their values, I broke the process, and it is a process, into five basic behavioral “musts.” I also created an anagram, or pneumonic (or whatever you want to call it) based on the word S.M.A.R.T.

Set an Example – This has two parts. The first one is the most obvious interpretation. Behave as though everything you do will be mimicked by your child – because it will be! If you’re nice to the food server, your child will grow up to be nice to food servers. If you show people respect, your child will do the same. You don’t have to be a saint, but it’s important to realize that your child is going to reflect the behavior you teach… whether consciously or subconsciously…and that especially includes how you communicate with the people closest to you. The second part is to reflect on the examples set for you by your own parents, and to discuss them with your spouse or partner. This allows you to solidify and synchronize your values and goals, which you will then use to guide you through the parenting process.

Make the Rules – As part of setting an example, you should decide what values you think are most important to you and your parenting partner. If you value truth and respect above all else, for example, shape your rules accordingly. If you value academic achievement and the making of beds, work those in accordingly. Remember that “rules are the arms in which your children can embrace themselves.” By following your rules, your children know they are “good,” and therefore feel comfortable in your presence. Be sure your rules are reasonable and understandable. Your children will follow your lead because they understand you have created those rules to keep them safe, and to teach them to respect the feelings and property of others. My wife and I would often explain why we created a rule, and the logic behind it, so that our children would understand that we weren’t just making them up for fun.

Apply the Rules – Once you’ve decided what’s important, you have to stick to your guns. Little children will test boundaries, which is their job. By saying “no” together with an explanation of your reasons, you show them you care. Applying rules is as simple as guiding your children toward the behaviors that you prefer. Arbitrary rules like “you must sit at the dinner table for twenty minutes” have never made sense to me. When you see your child doing something you like (as in following a rule) just comment on it: “I like the way you’re sitting quietly at the table” or “Thank you for taking your dishes to the sink.” It’s as much about being a cheerleader as about being a cop. Remember, every rule you create is a rule you have to enforce and too many rules make life very complicated.

Respect Yourself – This one is a biggie. It is inexcusable to let your child tell you to shut up – but there are parents who allow it. You are the boss, you are the “pack leader.” In order to maintain comfort for all concerned, you need to lead with the confidence that generates admiration and respect. I like to think of it this way:

If you were to get into a cab and ask the driver to take you to the airport, and that driver were to say to you “OK – I think I know how to get there.” You would have two reactions. Your first would be “Get me out of this cab!” and, your next would be to realize that you have no respect for this un-prepared person. Your children are passengers in your cab. You should be far better informed about the local roads than they are. And even if you’re not, you need to make them think you are, for their comfort and safety. Your life experience is your qualification.

Teach in All Things – If you see your child as an “Adult In Training” and you know it’s your job to be their teacher, then everything you do will be informed by an underlying lesson. I believe that our basic job as parents is creating “citizens,” and to teach citizenship we have to find ways to illustrate day-to-day lessons. Will we help an older person cross the street? Why do we have to wait in line? What happens when toys get broken? How does it feel to give a gift? How would you feel if someone did that to you? These are examples of the lessons that parents can and should be teaching every day. Once our kids catch on, they begin to see the lessons themselves.

There are whole chapters dedicated to each of these “Five Simple Musts” in my book. By following these very basic and doable suggestions, you can simplify the parenting process and concentrate on the wonder of raising your children. They are eager to learn what you want to teach them, so be a leader and show them the things you love about the world.

October 15, 2013/12 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Personal Updates

MILEY ‘N’ ME

ME N MILEY

Everybody was tweaked about Miley Cyrus and her apparently quite lucrative twerking display, but I see a far more interesting phenomena occurring on a daily basis.

I’m going to start at the beginning.

When I was a kid my parents would get angry at me for “showing off.” In those days, showing off meant grabbing the attention of everyone at the party to show them something I could do that was really cool – like dangling a spoon from my nose. Pretty harmless stuff, and usually the kind of action that stayed within the confines of our home, or the restaurant. In my own world, I was famous for it.

Today, the world is TRULY a stage – and every person with a smartphone is a player.

This means that our children are bombarded by millions of people who are “showing off”… essentially sharing their special skill or an opinion, or something that they feel is important. I’m much more tolerant of this than my parents were. I’ve actually become convinced that it’s not such a bad thing. In fact, in many cases, where people are demonstrating extraordinary skills, acts of kindness, or even expressing political points of view, we can find ourselves converging on these “memes” as a way of unifying ourselves as a society. All of us have seen incredible videos… Russian Dashboard cams showing acts of kindness (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzBInt4zljQ) , or a video about randomly positive behavior (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0F5lbMrCj80) and, of course, this 8 Million hit incredible father / son story – (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCAwXb9n7EY)

So what does this have to do with Miley Cyrus?

Miley’s been on the stage for a very long time, and she’s only twenty. Her need to define herself, and move away from her Disney image, requires something radical. If Miley wants to twerk her way into heaven that’s her business, and she’ll have to explain it to her kids someday (which I hope she’ll do). My objective, however, is to raise my kids to know that Miley isn’t yet the role model that her financial success and media exposure might indicate.

So, who are our kid’s most important role models?

We are.

Although I have occasionally twerked in our home, I’ve made a point of not doing it in public (which, I believe shows great impulse control) and I know my offspring are quite relieved about that. How do I know? Because, even though they are all now adults, we always shared our opinions of the world around us and listened to theirs.

Discussing bad behavior, when your child sees it or is exposed to it, is a very good way of defining your own parental expectations. At this point, I can trust that my children are not impressed or influenced by bad behavior. But, even when they were young and they saw a kid being a “poor sport” in Little League, or using foul language, they knew, from their relationship with us, that those behaviors were unacceptable. This allowed us the comfort of knowing that they could process those images from a position of knowledge and comfort – rather from a place that, needing attention, mimics the noise of that kid on the field or popular cultural novas.

So… does Miley’s twerking bother me? Not really.

As long as we’ve got “Toddlers and Tiaras”, “Dance Moms”, the “Real Housewives” of anywhere – shows that feature ridiculous adult behavior in a way that celebrates and enriches bad parents – Miley Cyrus will just be a kid showing off.

September 25, 2013/0 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Personal Updates

THE EMPTY NEST – FINALLY !

I’m a guy. I like my space. I like my stuff. I love my wife.

For the first time in thirty three years I have them all back to myself.

Yes, the Dropoff at school was successful and it appears our adorable daughter will merge into the flow of college like a good driver getting onto the freeway. The road is clear (we like her college), and she’s a very responsible driver. Worst case she has three brothers and two parents for GPS.

Our empty nest is, of course, relative. In today’s connected frenzy there is no real solitude (nor would I want that), but JoAnn, my lovely wife, no longer has to feel the compulsion to cook, or be a waitress, or monitor every coming and going in our daughter’s life.

Our grown sons, bless their male souls, have found a wonderful rhythm with us. They check in, say hello, give brief updates, and then move along their way. This is fine for me, as it’s my style of communication. If they want to “get deep”, like talk about their problems or something, I hand the phone to their mom. They know what type of advice I give best, and they know that their mom will listen for much longer. That’s the beauty of this thing.

Pundits, our friends who have been Empty Nesters for at least one semester, tell us that we have plenty to keep us occupied. We’ve got a wedding in October and, someday… we’ll be grandparents. Ironically, as much as JoAnn feels sadness about having this empty nest, she’s not particularly interested in having an infant or toddlers running around right now either. Even more ironically, I kind of like the idea of grandchildren. It’s really about finding the new balance.

For thirty-three years we have been parents. What were once discussions about music, movies, adventure and dreams were partially hijacked by discussions about our kids, their teachers, their sports, their friends… and that was perfectly fine. In fact, empty nest or not, our conversations are still dominated by issues related to our roles as parents and that’s OK, we love what our children bring to our lives.

Suddenly, however, we’re back to us. My career has morphed, and JoAnn’s continues. For the first time, though, I’ve heard her talking about the possibility of a change – of diversifying her interests and looking at some new things. Maybe she’d be willing to collaborate with me on my next project… “THIS, I think, is what being Empty Nesters is about!”

It’s day three, and already the possibilities are limitless. Anyone want to go Jet-skiing?

August 29, 2013/2 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Personal Updates

100% MAXIMUM LOVE

I have a friend who feels that when her little brother was born, he “stole” all the love and affection that her parents had previously been giving to her.

I suspect that this is a common feeling among first-born children. In this case, my friend dedicated herself to giving her own first-born preferential treatment and, by treating that child differently, created an imbalance in the family; ultimately recreating the situation she had complained about in her childhood. This would either cause her other children to feel less loved or neglected, or her first-born to become so sensitized and aware of her favor that anything short of extraordinary attention would feel like neglect. This situation clearly wasn’t going to lead to measured and equal loving throughout the family.

Ironically, this friend — whose child is now old enough to go to therapy with her — explained to us recently that she was shocked to hear that he always felt separate from his siblings. Because he was always treated differently, he didn’t feel like “part of the family.”

The effort she had made to single out her son had been successful. Unfortunately, it backfired. Not only did he not feel he was getting anything special; he actually believed he was being separated from the others, and was, therefore, not equal.

JoAnn and I believe in “100% Maximum Love.” Typically, the group who qualifies includes our children, our siblings (and their families), our parents, our grandparents, and a few whacky individuals who are “family” (phony aunts and uncles, etc.)

Recipients of maximum love have no need to compete for “favorite” – because everyone is the favorite. When asked by one of our children, “Who do you love more?” we reply, “We love you all equally — the maximum.” When we’re asked, “Who is your favorite?” We say, “You are all our favorites.”

Maximum love really simplifies family life and allows us parents to completely avoid that whole “How much do you love me?” battle. When we asked our third son, Coby, if he knew how much his mom and dad loved him. He said “ “You love me as big as the sky.”

He was absolutely right.

August 25, 2013/1 Comment/by Common Sense Dad

Personal Updates

WE’RE NEWLYWEDS !!

Before we get to the Newlywed Thing… As many of you know, our youngest child, and only daughter, is leaving for college tomorrow. This photo represents how the males in our family feel about that. Note that their mother is not in the picture because she objected to being in any photograph that included guns – even when they were PROP weapons borrowed for effect in this photo.

Now for the Newlywed thing.

JoAnn and I got married at age 24. Our first child was born when we were 26, and we’ve had a child in our house for 33 years since his birth. This weekend, when we drop Emily at college, we’ll pick up our married, no live-in kids, status at the 3 year mark.

I’m good with that.

August 22, 2013/3 Comments/by Common Sense Dad