Book Excerpt Archives — COMMON SENSE DAD ®

Self-Respect – A Key Parenting Ingredient

Teaching our children respect for others starts with teaching them respect for us, and this can be done without sacrificing our children’s individuality or personal development. First, we have to believe in the importance of our role as parents, and not defer our responsibility to anyone else.

Last year, while visiting the JFK Library in Boston, I appreciated the way he defined his responsibility as a parent:

“I think when we talk about corporal punishment, and we have to think about our own children…it seems to me, to have other people administering punishment to our own children…puts a special obligation on us to maintain order and to send children out from our homes who accept the idea of discipline. So I would not be for corporal punishment in the school, but I would be for very strong discipline at home so we don’t place an unfair burden on our teachers.”

The prevailing attitude with regard to the role of teachers and the responsibility of parents was that the welfare of the entire class outweighed the problems of any single student.

Although children still need discipline, recent generations have seen the parenting pendulum swing from valuing the collective toward valuing the individual. Today, when a child disturbs a classroom full of children, the focus is on determining why that child is having a problem (or even on whether or not the teacher is doing a good job) rather than on the disruption created for all the other students. The good of the group seems to be less important. Unfortunately, in many cases, parents side with the child and let their concern (or defensiveness) outweigh the fact that their child is disturbing the entire class.

So, who’s going to teach your child the rules? How can we make our kids responsible members of society? How can we teach them to have concern for others in a world where role models include ego maniacs, bad sports, porn stars, drug users, or social freaks? When celebrity is defined as success, and morality seems to be a moving target how do we teach our children to have high expectations of themselves and to respect others?

My parents raised me to believe that, under most circumstances, they had life pretty figured out. I was taught to respect their knowledge because it seemed to work for them. They were hard-working, seemingly well-liked, and respected members of the community. I wanted to be like them. I suspect that most little children want to be like their parents.

How did you learn to navigate the world? Who taught you to say “please” and “thank you”? Did anyone ever encourage you to give your seat up to an older person or to hold a door open out of courtesy? Who taught you how to listen? I’m guessing your parents did – and now it’s your job. Here’s why:

Learning to keep quiet means “I am not the most important person in the world, and that I need to be sensitive to others.”
Learning to say “please” and “thank you” teaches our children that courtesy is important.
Giving up one’s seat is a measure of courtesy and a lesson in anticipating that the feelings or needs of other (and older) people are important.
Clearing our table at a fast food restaurant teaches our children that the people who will need the table next are worthy of consideration.
Putting the shopping cart back at the market is a great job for an eight- year-old.

All of us are capable of modeling these behaviors for our children. Kids are keenly aware of how we, as their parents, treat those around us – and how those people treat us! Developing relationships with local food servers, grocery store checkers, bank tellers, and other members of the community creates a template of belonging for our children.

To teach respect we must show respect for ourselves. It’s not easy to live an exemplary life, but that’s exactly what being a parent requires. None of us is perfect, but every day we each have little opportunities to show our children the high road. Our children need to know that we have expectations of ourselves, and that those same expectations apply to them. The fact is, children love being able to meet our expectations. It lets them know where they stand.

Sometimes it’s hard to break the habits we’ve formed as adults. I had to clean up my language for a number of years. I had to cross at crosswalks. I tried not to yell at other drivers… you get the idea. During the time in which our children are most impressionable and their moral and emotional scaffolding is being built, we have to be conscious of the lessons we’re teaching them.

Believe in your knowledge, and through your actions create the moral universe in which you want your children to live.

In this way, your child will become your contribution to a better world.

March 3, 2016/4 Comments/by Richard Greenberg

Book Excerpt

Three Important Parenting Questions

As JoAnn and I began navigating the parenting waters, we found that, in the process of defining our values, we were also determining some basic rules for running the family ship “our way.” These were our first three basic questions:

Is it safe?
Will this create a habit?
Does this make sense to me/us?

IS IT SAFE ? – This one’s pretty easy. Don’t touch wall sockets, don’t put dirty things in your mouth (parents – don’t leave them lying around), don’t touch the stove, don’t go out the back gate or the front door, etc. Children catch on pretty quickly to these, especially if you drop to a knee, use a “special” voice and look them in the eye when you tell them something is dangerous or a “no no.”

Doing our part as parents is important too. JoAnn and I put all of our dangerous or fragile things (chemicals, crystal, fancy knick-knacks) out of reach of our little children and generally “baby-proofed” our house (plugged our electrical sockets, put clips on drawers). Beyond that, with the exception of a gate at the stairs, we didn’t put padding on our coffee tables or alter our physical environment. Learning to navigate our house, edges and all, was also our children’s responsibility. The object for us was to teach them to be careful on their own, so that we wouldn’t have to spend our time monitoring their every move.

WILL THIS CREATE A HABIT? – This one’s a little tougher. It’s more about our behavior than that of our children.

Everything we do as parents can become an expectation on the part of our children. If we leave their light on for two nights, they’ll expect the light to be left on forever. If we let them sleep in our bed for two nights in a row, then you can be sure that they’ll want to toddle their way into the bedroom on nights three, four, and forever. It’s especially important in this instance to weigh your glorious pleasure — at having this wonderful, warm, sleeping angel next to you — against the fact that it’s not going to be particularly wonderful to have your kids wanting to join you in bed whenever they want.

I know there is a movement today toward “Attachment Parenting” — but, seriously, from my male point of view, this is a biggie. I consider our bed to be a private place for my wife and me, a refuge for the original relationship that led to having those wonderful, but not-in-my-bed, children. There are many differing opinions on this issue, and it’s really up to you and your spouse to determine how you plan to deal with this. In my case, I am rarely happy when one of my children is not only taking up my space in bed, but also distracting JoAnn from her original bedmate – ME. That’s why our children have their own beds.

DOES THIS MAKE SENSE TO ME / US ? JoAnn and I will usually have decided whether or not it’s alright for our kid to play in a puddle, eat a dog biscuit, or bang the kitchen pans. Everybody makes their own decisions about these sorts of things. You’ll probably think that some of your friends are crazy, but whether they let the dog lick their baby’s mouth is entirely up to them. What happens in your house is entirely up to you.

I grew up in a house where there were a lot of odd “rules” – which, I suppose made sense to my parents. One of them was Eating Everything On Your Plate, another was Making Your Bed, another was No Sugared Cereals, and finally, No Soft Drinks.

These rules, especially cleaning one’s plate, filled every meal with a serving of potential conflict, which usually overshadowed anything pleasurable that might have happened at the dinner table. JoAnn and I are quite structured in our parenting, which some might regard as “strict,” but we tried to avoid setting up arguments about things that were relatively unimportant (compared to proper manners), which left plenty of room for fun, and a feeling of safety in our house. Remember how you felt as a kid. My childhood dinners were a battlefield. We agreed to avoid that.

Peace at home starts with not creating things to argue about. If our children didn’t make their beds, they returned to their own messy rooms. If they didn’t eat everything on their plates and they got hungry later, it was their problem to feed themselves. We continue to teach them to avoid worrying about things we can’t control (like other people’s behavior, telephone lines near the house, and World Peace), and we try not to bring the fears of the world into our home (like discussing money problems or serious health issues in front of our children).

But that’s just us, and that’s what we agreed to in our plan.

It’s not hard to implement this simple three point checklist, and I hope it can be helpful in helping you set up your own expectations and family goals. Most of this comes down to common sense – so don’t let the heat of the moment throw your thinking off. Stay true to your adult hunches, it will make your life much easier.

February 25, 2016/1 Comment/by Richard Greenberg

Book Excerpt

Parenting – The Shared Adventure

What happens when two strong individuals come together to raise a child? Are they able to surrender control? How do they deal with sharing tasks? Who gets to be right and who gets to be wrong? How can they make positive communication a habit and avoid criticizing each other. Most importantly, how can they make their baby a project that will bring them together rather than drive them apart?

Thinking about this, JoAnn (my wife) and I recounted some of our experiences as new parents. And even though JoAnn has a Masters degree in Education, I found that our mutual common sense had been an additionally important guide.

We thought of the process as a SHARED adventure, and imagined that we had been dropped into the jungle together with machetes, but no compass or map. From there, we’d decide to chop our way out based on our gut feelings. If one direction didn’t work, we’d reassess and try another knowing that we were making the decisions together and we’d ultimately find our way out.

First, we had to accept and embrace our rookie status. As rookies, we could look at each event as a new adventure. Changing a diaper, cleaning an umbilical cord, putting the baby in and out of the car seat – these were entirely new experiences to be shared, discussed, and dissected in a loving and mutually helpful way. We were both equally interested in pleasing the other and protecting the baby. So accepting that a slip of the hand, or an accidental pinch with a buckle was “nobody’s fault” made us equally confident.

The early tasks were simple. The baby was either hungry, playing, tired, or asleep. In the first months there were worrisome little things; rashes, crying, maybe a cold or fever, but generally speaking we saw our job as welcoming the baby into the world and helping to make the baby comfortable.

Around four months, there are actual biological changes occurring in babies that make them increasingly aware of the surrounding world. Suddenly, they have opinions. They cry when we leave them alone and they start expressing themselves. When these control issues arose, JoAnn and I counted on each other for collective intelligence and strength. It’s human nature to want things to go your way, but with babies, you don’t really have as much control as you’d like. In our case, we knew we had a bigger picture. We wanted to fit our babies into our lives, rather than change our schedules to accommodate them. We wanted our babies to understand that we were determined, as a team, to do what was best for them – within the framework of our reasonable expectations. Having a plan allowed us to roll with whatever came our way.

As parents, we were both equally new to the task, and we each brought our own skills. Once problems popped up, we would discuss them. If we felt marginalized – we’d bring it up! If one of us had disengaged, the other would reconnect! As rookies, how else would we learn? The shared adventure allowed even the most ridiculous moments to bring us together.

Once, as an infant, Aaron was listless and had a fever. The doctor gave us some liquid medicine. Unfortunately, Aaron was determined NOT to take the medicine. We filled the dropper and, over a period of ten minutes, both JoAnn and I tried approaching him in every possible cute and innovative way. He would have none of it. When the dropper would come near, he’d clench his lips and turn his head from side to side. Although this made a nice purple horizontal line on his cheeks, we were stuck. How were we going to get this serum into our very willful baby?

We talked about it a bit and, despite Aaron’s tears and objection, we knew we had to give him the medicine. We put him on the floor and, while I held his flailing hands, arms, and legs down, JoAnn locked his head between her knees and forced the dropper between his lips. Once she squirted the medication into his mouth he froze, stopped crying, and made a “What the heck was that?” face. We had been pushed to an extreme we had never anticipated. We had just used physical strength to overpower our child in order to do what was right. We stared at each other, emotionally spent.

It wasn’t fun. It was a real challenge. But we both knew it was part of our job. We laugh about it now, but at the time we never thought we’d have to get physical with our children. We knew we’d done what had to be done. We’d done it together, and that’s what mattered.

As parents and partners, we have to do our best to give up our critical ways. We have to understand that the process is unpredictable, a set of lessons to be learned. We must never forget that the process has enough flexibility to allow for mistakes. What’s really important is learning from those mistakes by sharing them, talking about them, and even laughing about them.

June 18, 2014/0 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Book Excerpt, Personal Updates

The Blue / Pink Thing

The Blue Pink Thing is a simple term for the obvious (and not so obvious) differences between the genders. If you’re raising both boys and girls, I’m sure you are already aware of the Blue Pink Thing. As John Gray put it, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus,” and those differences manifest at a very early age.

Little boys turn pencils into guns. Little girls like to dress up and practice twirling. As toddlers, our boys could spend five to ten minutes doing a puzzle and then it was on to the next thing. Our daughter, on the other hand, could sit with a puzzle for forty minutes. She clearly exhibited much better focus at a far earlier point than the boys. Our sons plowed their way through high school meeting their obligations and having a single, unchanging set of buddies. Our daughter’s peer group changed like fashion… one day you were in, the next day you were out. Once the boys went away to college, where they had to co-habit with people their age, things began clicking into place – like the need to wash clothes, dishes, and sheets.

Our daughter, Emily, has been sensitive and on-the-lookout since she was about seven years old. She was keenly aware of her shifting friends. Even in middle school she was providing therapy for those with less fortitude. She saw it as her job to know where everyone in the family was and how they were feeling at any time. To this day, she communicates with each of her brothers from college at least once a day.

I suppose that hyper-connectivity can be attributed to our cell phones, texts, Instagram and emails, but, even in circumstances as simple as actual conversation, we have noticed differences. The boys, when younger, weren’t interested in long conversations about their emotions. But Emily could dissect every element of her feelings, and even invoke historical events we had long forgotten. For example, “Benjy’s bedtime was nine o’clock when he was my age. Why is mine eight thirty?” I couldn’t have remembered Benjy’s bedtime if I was pumped with truth serum and undergoing a polygraph test.

As many of you know, I believe our most important job as parents is to set an example, and Emily is a beneficiary JoAnn’s excellent relationship with her mother. In fact, that relationship motivated us to go for “one more” when considering the hopeful addition of a female child to our family.

As JoAnn describes it, her mother was stern – but never shrill or out of control. JoAnn’s mother was always encouraging and used “expectation” as her strongest ally. “How could someone like you become involved in a situation like this?” She’d say. She had the highest possible expectation of JoAnn (as she did for herself), and somehow she and JoAnn made it through JoAnn’s teen years without all the familiar mother-teen daughter arguments.

As I watch JoAnn and Emily together, I see a similar bond has developed. JoAnn and Emily are collaborators. They discuss clothing, television, Emily’s friends, and, I’m sure, her brothers and me in loving confidence. Many people tell us about their rebellious teenage children (especially daughters), who withhold information, sit quietly in the car, and go straight to their rooms when arriving home from school. Although Emily is occasionally guilty of some of that behavior, I believe that, from the time she was young, she has always been able to confide in JoAnn who has always listened to, and respected, what Emily has had to say.

Additionally, JoAnn has never judged Emily for her thoughts or ideas. That relationship hasn’t changed, only the subject matter. Emily is not afraid to speak with us about her friends. She knows we’re not going to call their parents (unless they’re doing something really destructive), and, if we were, she knows we would discuss it with her first. She also knows that we’re not going to dive into her problems and intercede, so our discussions with her (and this is primarily JoAnn’s territory) are often consultations about the best way to handle her own situations.

The boys and I had our own unique relationship. We washed cars, played catch, watched sports, told jokes and talked a lot about life. My father had always been “instructional,” so I spent a lot of time just trying to teach them various skills and toughen them up …be brave, don’t cry, “walk it off.” We were not immune to discussions of emotional issues, but those conversations were often intertwined with a task. When they happened, they were quick discussions of problems and potential solutions – very male.

Throughout it all, JoAnn and I were always consulting with each other so that if an issue arose, we’d likely be on the same page.

Today, our kids are still willing to discuss their issues with us. Not because we did anything miraculous – but because we understood that they were growing, changing individuals and as such could not be expected to stay the same – whether that related to hair styles, friendships, or even doing things we thought were crazy (like parachuting out of airplanes).

I was about twenty when my mother questioned a specific decision that I had made. I was pretty sure of the decision, so I said to her, “You taught me how to think. I’m using the brain you programmed to make this decision. I think you did a good job – now you have to believe in it.”

When the kids were young, JoAnn and I would discuss our “position” prior to our conversations with them. We’d bounce the issues around, and usually determine an opinion or course of action together. Then, depending on how it unfolded, the issue would be discussed with our offspring.

Through this process, they have learned to trust us, and see that we trust and respect each other. We have high expectations of them, and they know that our expectations of ourselves, with regard to honesty, truth, and respect, are equally as high. That formula allows them to seek and respect our opinions.

It should be clear to any parent that raising boys and raising girls is often a different process. The basics are the same, the rules should remain solid, but the day-to-day communication of objectives, and the application of opinion, guidance, and critique often need to be handled differently by gender (at least if you want your messages to be heard). As a flexible, understanding parent, this won’t be anything that requires a special translator, or different family meetings, it’s just a heads up to you fellas out there that raising a girl requires more conversation and patience than putting your boy through his paces. As you can see from the funny photo though – we’re still kind of old-fashioned.

In the end, teaching them all to be loving people is really what it’s about. If you can do that… you’ve got it made.

May 2, 2014/0 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Book Excerpt, Personal Updates

Yes, I Locked My Kid in the Car

One day, when Aaron was about around two years old, JoAnn went out to runs some errands, leaving Aaron and me to wash my beloved navy blue two-door Fiat (because that’s what guys do to bond). The car, being a European two-door coupe, had very little room in the back, but just enough room for a car seat. Aaron was like me at his age. He wanted to be inside near the steering wheel, radio, and keys, so he climbed into the car while I put up the windows, closed the door, and started hosing off the vehicle.

It was a beautiful, warm late Spring day in Southern California and we were having a ton of fun. Aaron would put his hand on the window and I’d spray where his hand was. He’d put his face to the glass and I’d spray his face.

Funny stuff.

fiat_124_sport_coupe_gray_1975 At one point, Aaron jokingly pushed down the door lock, and I mimed how funny that was. I also mimed right back that he should unlock it, but it was too late, he was already turning and jumping like a chimp on the seat. Oh was it fun — until he jumped his way into the back, found his car seat, and to my surprise, buckled himself right in!

Aaron looked at me for a moment and then realized he was stuck. He started to cry. I made funny faces and behaved in a manner that most would describe as silly to distract him and calm him down, but I couldn’t help but notice that the sun was now shining directly into the car, turning it into a dark blue sauna, and illuminating the glistening beads of sweat on his little nose.

Through the closed windows, I tried to tell Aaron how to press the buckle so that the car seat latch would release, but, alas, it was, in fact, childproof. With his little face getting red and sweaty, I knew that time was not on my side. Since JoAnn had the other key to the car, there was only one thing I could do. I went into the house, got my hammer, and smashed the driver’s side window in order to reach in and unlock the door.

Cool air rushed in past my face as I pulled him out. Life was good, and that adventure cost me a hundred and seventy five bucks.

When I told JoAnn about it, she didn’t criticize me for leaving our baby to run free in the car with the keys inside. She just shook her head and laughed with me – as she did when I lost Emily skiing, accidentally hit Benjy on the head with a baseball bat, forgot to pick Coby up from Sunday School, and any number of other things that may have happened along the way while raising our family of four .

My parents were pragmatists and I believe I owe them the real essentials of this story — No panic, no anger, and an ability to laugh at ourselves. In fact, keeping our head is one of the basic keys to raising children who remain calm and learn to solve problems. It’s about the example we set, and as parents we may not all be in the same boat, but we’re all on the same ocean.

Parenting is decision-making — thousands upon thousands of decisions. What we call common sense is just the most reliable compass for guiding those decisions. Trusting in common sense solutions, like calming your child prior to smashing the window of your beloved car, helps us respond calmly and effectively when raw emotion might cause unprepared parents to panic.

BTW – I really loved that Fiat.

April 16, 2014/0 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Book Excerpt, Personal Updates

EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES

I meant to write this post last week, but…

…….the dog ate it.

As a world-class procrastinator, I’ve become pretty friendly with the concept of a decent excuse. But as the son of hard-working and “absolute” parents, I’ve also learned not to accept my own excuses in bulk.

When it comes to parenting, I believe that the more excuses we make for our children, the more excuses we will make for our children.

Over the years JoAnn and I have observed many parents who excuse a toddler’s behavior with phrases like “He was born that way.” or “She just hates that color red.” We’ve also observed these same parents making a lifetime of excuses as their children grow older — “His teacher doesn’t like him” or “She accidentally put that candy in her purse, she wasn’t stealing it!”

This pattern of excusing can begin very early. It can start in the crib when we put our children down for the night. But then the hall light is on. Or it’s not on. Or our music is too loud. Or they miss us.

All of these are excuses that we recast as explanations. We’re trying to excuse the fact that our wonderful child is starting to run the show. Along these lines, sleep training is often the first big parenting challenge. Even if a diaper is recently changed, a good burp has been had, and a favorite onesie is being worn, rationalizing our excuse-making is easier than listening to some whining or crying. And that’s the real problem with excuses. They’re so easy to come up with!

Later on, “enabling” our children to behave poorly says that we approve of their behavior. When parents laugh because their child has just mouthed off like an inebriated sailor, this tells the child to do it some more.

That may seem obvious. What may not be obvious is the societal context. These days, as long as an excuse can be concocted almost any behavior is deemed worthy of one. What motivated the Boston Marathon bombers? Was it their bad childhood? Did they have to share a room? Frankly, I don’t care.

Reasons for excusing bad behavior may seem valid, but we should be aware how these can become scripts kids use when they simply want to get their way. A tummy ache might become an excuse for two full days of watching television. At some point, we have to decide when the excuse is no longer valid and get rid of that script once and for all. Some problems, especially those that are health-related, should be evaluated immediately. But if calling the doctor clearly isn’t necessary, we as parents have to see the difference between a valid reason and an all-too-easy excuse. The default for JoAnn and me – and for our parents before us — was “no fever, no vomit, no mucus, – you’re going to school!” Obviously, if a problem persisted we got help. But we started with the belief that our family was generally healthy. My mother used to say, “Children don’t get headaches,” and that was that. It pretty much sent me back to the drawing board when I wanted to complain.

Children, of course, have good days and bad. But even in the midst of a bad day we can remind them that they are responsible for their behavior. An excuse like, “You didn’t get enough sleep last night” shouldn’t eliminate legitimate expectations. In fact, it should allow us to be very clear about bedtime later that evening. (By the way, children will never admit they are tired.)

JoAnn and I had a procedure in restaurants when our toddler was crying and people around us were glaring. We’d check that his clothes weren’t bothering him. A scratchy tag? An allergic reaction to the new soap? Then we’d attempt to busy him with food, a distraction, or even a pacifier. If that didn’t work, we’d remove him from the environment and try to talk him down. If that didn’t work, we’d be prepared to say, “If you can’t behave, we’ll have to take you home.” If the behavior continued, we’d take him from the restaurant quickly and unceremoniously.

This is when the sacrificing element of parenting comes in. We had to be ready to leave our meal in order to teach this lesson. JoAnn really taught me the importance of following through, even when piping hot pancakes with melting butter and maple syrup had just been put under my nose.

Grocery stores are also wonderful locations for “Lifus Interruptus” — when you have to interrupt your normal behavior to prove a point. On those occasions when our kids just would not leave the rolls of paper towels on the shelf, we would threaten to take them home. If they continued the bad behavior, we had to carry out the threat, even though we’d just spent the last half hour filling the cart.

The essential truth is this. If you make excuses, your children will make excuses. So be firm, be fair, be consistent. Fewer excuses lead to higher expectations. Higher expectations help children take responsibility and understand how they fit into the world – and that’s what makes them children that other people like to be around.

February 26, 2014/0 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Book Excerpt

The Parent Questionnaire

Our own life experience is our greatest parenting resource. In my book, Raising Children That Other People Like to be Around”, I suggest that parenting is like driving a cab: if you don’t at least ACT like you know the way, your passengers (children) are going to be nervous and uncomfortable as you would be with a rookie cab driver.

But how can new parents proceed with confidence? By looking backward at the way they themselves were parented.

All of us are influenced by what Selma Frieberg, author of The Magic Years, called the “Ghosts in our Nursery” – essentially, the voices of those who raised us. Learning to recognize how our parents influenced us may be the most effective way of preparing for the job ahead. What did your parents do that you remember most positively? Were there hugs at night? Surprise trips to the ice cream store? Goofy family photos? What makes these events so memorable?

What do you remember that was negative? Was it discipline with a belt, or friendly persuasion? Was it time in isolation? Was it “no dessert”? Did your parents explain their motives, or just make you frustrated and angry with them? How can you avoid repeating those mistakes with your own children?

I put together some simple questions for you to ask your spouse, parenting partner, or co-parent, in order to better understand the emotional land mines that you might encounter. Use these questions to help you clarify the values, vision, and goals that will define the system you apply as you define your family. These questions should help you narrow down your parenting objectives and unify your message. They are of value no matter how old your children may be.

What did/do you love most about your father? Your mother?
Did you know your grandparents? What do or did you love / remember most about them?
In what ways do you think your parents are like their parents? In what ways do you think they are different?
Were your parents always honest with you? Did they always tell you the truth?
What do you think were your parent’s biggest mistakes? Successes?
At what moment were you proudest to be the child of your father / mother?
At what moment were you most embarrassed by your father / mother? Would you be just as embarrassed today? (Do you feel embarrassed just thinking about it? If so, feel the power of this memory!)
Do you remember whether or not your mother was always busy? Was your father?
Which or your behaviors did your parents punish most severely? Do you agree with their decisions?
What behaviors did they encourage? Will you encourage the same ones?
How did your parents let you know they loved you? Will you (or do you) do the same with your children?
Did you ever really disappoint your parents? How? How did that behavior affect the way they treated you? How did your behavior or self-image change as a result?
When did you most feel loved? Why?
Did your family have any rituals / holidays / quirks? What was your role in them? How did your parents handle them? Were they the leaders? Did they ever let you lead? How did you feel about that?
Who is your favorite relative? Why?
Who is your favorite parenting role model? Why?
What is your greatest fear about being a parent?

Although I originally created this as a one-time organizational tool, I have learned that part of a successful parenting system is the regular recalibration of messages and techniques. The values you define from this lesson can be the foundation you fall back on, year after year, as you build the “emotional scaffolding” inside your children.

Consider these the rules of the sport that your team will be playing. As managers, you and your partner will have to remember to watch game films at regular intervals, to review the day, to change the plan, to hold a mirror up to each other to see if you’re both still on track. If you desire, document your conclusions after reading the questionnaire and check them every once in a while to see if you’re still on course. Are you avoiding the behaviors you disliked in your parents? Are you being positive with your children? Are you communicating and reflecting your thoughts regularly with your mate?

Keeping these resolutions in mind will make the process quicker and easier than having to always start at scratch. Remember, parenting is a practice, it evolves, and lessons are taught to us every day. The more we do it, the more we reflect and share, the easier it becomes – and the more proficient WE become. Sharing and defining those lessons is one of the keys to staying on course.

We all have our own stories — and, to me, everyone’s story is interesting. Essentially, these questions ask, “What makes you who you are?” Think of your own questions and add them to the list. Then decide, from this discussion, how you’re going to communicate, how you’re going to strengthen each other’s confessed weaknesses, and protect each other from your fears (JoAnn and I came up with “key words” to let each other know that we’d fallen off course). Remember those resolutions, and use them as your litmus test when you regularly recalibrate.

Not everything our parents did was right or wrong. How we raise your children is finally and entirely up to us – but starting with our past is a good way to build a value system, recognize our strengths, and move forward with confidence.

LEFT – The Greenberg Bros. store. Decatur Ill. 1911

November 28, 2013/4 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Book Excerpt

MY 5 SIMPLE “MUSTS”

I wrote “Raising Children That Other People Like to be Around” to guide parents toward a better understanding of their roles – as moms and dads, as well as parenting partners – because the core strength of a family comes from the leadership that the adults offer. To help parents discover their objectives and define their values, I broke the process, and it is a process, into five basic behavioral “musts.” I also created an anagram, or pneumonic (or whatever you want to call it) based on the word S.M.A.R.T.

Set an Example – This has two parts. The first one is the most obvious interpretation. Behave as though everything you do will be mimicked by your child – because it will be! If you’re nice to the food server, your child will grow up to be nice to food servers. If you show people respect, your child will do the same. You don’t have to be a saint, but it’s important to realize that your child is going to reflect the behavior you teach… whether consciously or subconsciously…and that especially includes how you communicate with the people closest to you. The second part is to reflect on the examples set for you by your own parents, and to discuss them with your spouse or partner. This allows you to solidify and synchronize your values and goals, which you will then use to guide you through the parenting process.

Make the Rules – As part of setting an example, you should decide what values you think are most important to you and your parenting partner. If you value truth and respect above all else, for example, shape your rules accordingly. If you value academic achievement and the making of beds, work those in accordingly. Remember that “rules are the arms in which your children can embrace themselves.” By following your rules, your children know they are “good,” and therefore feel comfortable in your presence. Be sure your rules are reasonable and understandable. Your children will follow your lead because they understand you have created those rules to keep them safe, and to teach them to respect the feelings and property of others. My wife and I would often explain why we created a rule, and the logic behind it, so that our children would understand that we weren’t just making them up for fun.

Apply the Rules – Once you’ve decided what’s important, you have to stick to your guns. Little children will test boundaries, which is their job. By saying “no” together with an explanation of your reasons, you show them you care. Applying rules is as simple as guiding your children toward the behaviors that you prefer. Arbitrary rules like “you must sit at the dinner table for twenty minutes” have never made sense to me. When you see your child doing something you like (as in following a rule) just comment on it: “I like the way you’re sitting quietly at the table” or “Thank you for taking your dishes to the sink.” It’s as much about being a cheerleader as about being a cop. Remember, every rule you create is a rule you have to enforce and too many rules make life very complicated.

Respect Yourself – This one is a biggie. It is inexcusable to let your child tell you to shut up – but there are parents who allow it. You are the boss, you are the “pack leader.” In order to maintain comfort for all concerned, you need to lead with the confidence that generates admiration and respect. I like to think of it this way:

If you were to get into a cab and ask the driver to take you to the airport, and that driver were to say to you “OK – I think I know how to get there.” You would have two reactions. Your first would be “Get me out of this cab!” and, your next would be to realize that you have no respect for this un-prepared person. Your children are passengers in your cab. You should be far better informed about the local roads than they are. And even if you’re not, you need to make them think you are, for their comfort and safety. Your life experience is your qualification.

Teach in All Things – If you see your child as an “Adult In Training” and you know it’s your job to be their teacher, then everything you do will be informed by an underlying lesson. I believe that our basic job as parents is creating “citizens,” and to teach citizenship we have to find ways to illustrate day-to-day lessons. Will we help an older person cross the street? Why do we have to wait in line? What happens when toys get broken? How does it feel to give a gift? How would you feel if someone did that to you? These are examples of the lessons that parents can and should be teaching every day. Once our kids catch on, they begin to see the lessons themselves.

There are whole chapters dedicated to each of these “Five Simple Musts” in my book. By following these very basic and doable suggestions, you can simplify the parenting process and concentrate on the wonder of raising your children. They are eager to learn what you want to teach them, so be a leader and show them the things you love about the world.

October 15, 2013/12 Comments/by Common Sense Dad

Book Excerpt

S.M.A.R.T.

We are days away from the release of my book, so I thought I’d share a little more…

Everyone is capable of creating a wonderful family, and “Raising Children That Other People Like to be Around” is structured around five simple principles for which I have had the audacity to create the anagram “S.M.A.R.T.” There are five letters so that they can be counted on one hand, and I used the word SMART because it’s positive and easy to remember. The principles are the most important behaviors that influence the way our children see us – and, as they become adults, the way they see themselves.

As parents, our job is to:

Set an example.

Make the rules.

Apply the rules.

Respect ourselves.

Teach in all things.

Children make us life-long learners – not only by sharing the events of their lives, but also by keeping us in touch with ourselves, the things we believe in, and the ways we react to those events.

The book describes a process, referencing anecdotal information that affirms or teaches a specific lesson, regardless of the age of the child. There is no doubt that many of our children’s adult strengths are the result of lessons learned when they were toddlers. With some solid concentration in the first few years, you can set yourself up for a very pleasurable life-long parenting experience. After all, if you pour the right foundation, and create some solid scaffolding, the buildings you build are going to stand up to almost any storm.

“We made them from scratch,” we say to each other, and this book is the closest I can come to giving you our recipe.

For JoAnn and me, it sometimes seems as though every minute we have is devoted to our children. But after all the teacher conferences, sporting events, carpooling, and homework supervising, the loving memories seem too fleeting. As we look back on all those years, we can barely remember many of the details because, as JoAnn says, “The days crawl, and the years fly by.”

July 10, 2013/1 Comment/by Common Sense Dad

Book Excerpt, Personal Updates

TEACHING GRATITUDE

Today, I am grateful that our eldest son is celebrating his 33rd birthday, so I thought I’d share this excerpt about gratitude.

When JoAnn and I got married, a wise friend said that marriage is not 50/50 – it’s 90/90. Essentially, he was telling us that we’d each often feel as though we were giving (or doing) more than half of the relationship’s work and, if we could accept that fact, our marriage would sail along smoothly. After over thirty five years, JoAnn and I agree that the theory remains accurate. The workload shifts; sometimes I’m doing more and sometimes she’s doing more. That’s just the way it is. It also means that there is no clock punching, no keeping track, and no ongoing score sheet, and it’s a real opportunity to give to our parenting partner and let them know that someone else is there helping to carry the load. While raising children, the same sort of understanding is required – because, as parents, we do the majority of the work and the gratitude doesn’t come until much later

In the beginning, we carry virtually 100% of the load – we change diapers, we feed, we entertain, and we worry. Our infants and toddlers, on the other hand, spend almost all of their time observing, smelling, tasting and learning. Although those things don’t help the laundry get done, or the sheets get changed, the impact of that effort on their part is quite substantial. Besides, Nature has made babies cute so that we don’t mind working our tales off for them.

That’s just the way it is.

Parenting demands a tremendous generosity of spirit, and, as our children get older, we are able to teach them to help us so that things aren’t quite so lopsided. At a certain point, we can enlist their aid by saying things like “Please help me clean up your toys.” or “Sit still while I put your socks on”. Narrating and naming these tasks is an important part of the process, as we are actually teaching our children how to do these things for themselves. “First you prepare the sock, now you put it over your toes…” etc. At some point, probably when you’re in a hurry, your child will want to do it for himself. If you’re in a hurry, try to explain that he can do it next time and reward him for his patience. If not, guide him, encourage him, and reward him with praise (and maybe even a phone call to someone else who would be proud).

Whenever possible, and sometimes out of the blue, we make our children aware of the world around them. “Isn’t that an interesting building?”, “Look at those pretty flowers.”, ”We’re so lucky to have…” a nice home, a safe school, warm clothes, food, good health, and so on. In many cases, these are comforts that we can (and do) give our children, and maybe even nice things that we sometimes take for granted – like loving friends, new shoes, a hand-me-down jacket, or a trip to the ice cream store.

These little lessons are all part of our instructional responsibility. Being grateful creates for each of our children their own lucky place in the world. “I’m very lucky.” becomes part of their self-description. They know who they are, they know what they appreciate, and it gives them the strength to build a strong emotional scaffolding and a solid sense of self respect.

Today, as all days, we are grateful to have each other.

July 2, 2013/0 Comments/by Common Sense Dad