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United AirlinerI’ve got a lot bouncing around in my head lately, and although it’s about our country, very little of it has to do with Washington. Fact is, I think it has something to do with what I see as the state of our “United” States.

Is Dr. Dao of the United Airlines incident a hero – or a victim? Did he behave in a manner in which I would want my child, or my neighbor to behave? Did the airlines behave in a manner I would expect from a successful service provider? Is the customer ALWAYS right? Did Dao respect authority, attempt to negotiate a reasonable solution, or did he behave like a child when confronted by burly law enforcement officers? Did he concern himself in any way with the needs of the other passengers to get to their destinations on time?

Nope. It was all about him.

“That’s OK, I’ll take the $800, let that crazy guy stay in his seat.” – said NO ONE.

But Dao wasn’t the only one thinking about himself.  It’s hard for me to believe that one person on that United flight saw what was happening and didn’t step up to say “That’s OK, I’ll take the $800, let that crazy guy stay in his seat.” Lots of people objected (you can hear them), but no one was willing to make a sacrifice and surrender their own seat.  Not one person.

Lost at AirportTravel is never easy.  Typically we have to deal with cramped spaces, tight deadlines, and people who aren’t…well…us.  I’m not judging, I’m just observing. I’ve been the person sitting in my seat watching someone else’s boarding nightmare  (wrong seat, no overhead bin space, etc.) – but that confusion and impatience has never broken down to a physical encounter and  I’d like to think that logic would prevail before it got to that. It’s important to understand that sometimes life isn’t fair and we don’t always get our way.

Despite the fact that what happened to the doctor will ultimately have a positive effect on the travel industry, his behavior does not warrant poor victimhood and the possibility of being paid millions of dollars for a problem he created himself. Yes – the situation was a mess, the Chicago airport police were unnecessarily rough with the uncooperative doctor, but he was refusing to comply – which, as most people know, is a sure way to piss off an authoritarian on a mission, right or wrong.

If a cop asks me to do something, I comply –because I understand that the situation is going to have a far better outcome if I do.

Good solutions have been offered for future problems related to seating availability. When people check in, ask them privately if they’d be willing to give up their seat for compensation or give them an option to include their willingness as part of their electronic boarding details. It’s much easier to get volunteers privately than it is publicly. And, by all means, do it before you load them on the plane and give them “ownership” of their seat.

Airliner SunsetWas this injustice? United’s reasons were lame, but after protracted discussions, time spent, and offers to everyone on the plane, United followed a procedure that led to asking the Dr. to give up his seat. When he didn’t, they were required (on behalf of all the waiting passengers) to do something about it. They may not have done the right thing, but reading the full story clearly shows that Dr. Dao could have also handled himself differently.

I was raised to respect authority. If a cop asked me to do anything, I would comply – not only because I had nothing to hide, but because I understood that the situation was going to have a far better outcome if I did. I also recognized that being a cop is a tough job in which the threat is constant and the risks are high – why would I want to complicate that?

I was also raised to be aware of the people around me – to move my car out of the road if it stalled, or let others go ahead if I couldn’t find my ticket.  Unfortunately, what I see in this event is that people no longer believe in the “collective.” For all the surrounding passengers it was all about me, my selfie, and my Schadenfreude.  Perhaps if the flight had been truly “united,” everyone would have worked together to solve the problem. 

Say farewell to doing things for the “greater good.”

As usual, this brings me to parenting. Do you want to raise a child who, when confronted with an unsatisfactory situation throws a socially disruptive tantrum and gets into a physical argument with you (which is typical in a toddler, but not so acceptable in a teen)? Don’t we want to teach our children to “use their words” and to express themselves without arching their backs and flailing about? Once flailing, when they smack their hand on the wall, is it our fault for upsetting them, or their fault for behaving uncontrollably?

Tantruming babyAs my dad used to say, “Every once in a while a blind squirrel finds a nut.” and in this case, thanks to Dr Dao’s childish behavior, the airlines will find better ways handle their seat-filling problems. Nonetheless, despite the value of this lesson, I’d still rather live in a world where reasonable people negotiate satisfactory solutions, and selfish behavior is not rewarded.

As we examine the events of the United flight, let’s think of them in the context of our own citizenship and our children’s behavior. Would we be proud that our child forced authorities to physically remove him from an airplane – or would we be prouder that he verbally appealed (or had the flight crew verbally appeal) to the rest of the flight (even in desperation) to find a more reasonable solution – even if the most reasonable solution was to deplane with dignity and get every concession possible from the airline?

What do you think?

TeddyNAliWeddingMy wife, JoAnn, and I started this year on the perfect note – we went to a wedding on New Year’s Eve. Essentially, we doubled down on hope.

After all, what is more optimistic than two people sharing their love on a day that marks the beginning of a new year? We celebrated the beginning of Teddy and Ali’s life together, and then, when midnight hit, the afterburners kicked in and we went whole hog into New Year optimism and happiness.

One week later, we are faced with the insanity that is the murders at Charlie Hebdo in Paris.

While watching the wedding ceremony, I realized that marriages are happening every day, in every time zone, in every culture — and focusing on these loving events is a very real antidote for the hatred that seems to be spreading over our troubled world. Certainly there are parents in every culture, Islamist, Jewish, Christian, Catholic, Buddhist, or others who bask in the happiness of watching their children find and wed their loved ones. Surely, these parents want their children to survive, to thrive and to create families. Who can attend a wedding and not want the world to be a better, more peaceful place?

coexistSo, how distant must the zealot Paris murderers be from the values of family, the love of community, and the meaning of life? What world are they living in… and where are their parents? How can their ideology be more valuable than human life?  The God of the Old Testament asks Abraham to sacrifice his son as a test of faith.  As Abraham prepares to do so, God releases him of the obligation, because what loving God could possibly ask a father to kill his son?

What can we do against an enemy with no moral compass?  I’m afraid we must expose them as the murderers they are.  And how can we do that?  Short term, we can unite in our opposition to their behavior, we can punish the people who fund them, and we can rise in defense of those whom they most brutally oppress.  Long term, however, and most importantly, we can teach our children to recognize hate-speech, bullies, and bad behavior and to oppose it when they see it.

We advise newlyweds to compromise, to listen to each other, and to “never go to bed angry” (to which one young wedding attendee replied, “Just stay up all night fighting!”). We counsel them to communicate about their differences in order to find peace. Yet, we seem unable to do this on a larger scale.

So, let’s start small.

vectorstock_1023337My resolution this year is to ask each of us to think about the weddings that happen around us every day, and to resolve — like all brides and grooms — to work on our relationships, to find a middle ground, and to contribute to making our world a happier home for us, our children, and our children’s children.